Betrayal - Why It Can Cause Trauma and How to Start Healing

What is Betrayal?

Betrayal is the violation of trust, loyalty, or expectations in a relationship. It occurs when someone acts in a way that goes against what we believed about them, causing emotional harm, disappointment, or a sense of deception.

Betrayal can take many forms, including:

• Personal betrayal – A friend talking behind your back, a partner cheating, or a family member breaking a promise.

• Professional betrayal – A colleague taking credit for your work or a boss going back on their word.

• Ideological betrayal – A leader or institution failing to uphold values they promised to stand for.

At its core, betrayal is painful because it disrupts trust and forces us to reconsider our relationships, our beliefs about others, and even our sense of self. It can lead to feelings of anger, sadness, and confusion, but also to personal growth if processed in a healthy way.

Why Do We Feel Betrayed?

We feel betrayed when someone we trust violates our expectations, values, or emotional security. Betrayal strikes deeply because trust is the foundation of human relationships, whether in friendships, romantic partnerships, family, or even professional settings.

At its core, betrayal creates a psychological wound because:

1. It shatters trust – Trust takes time to build, and when it’s broken, it can leave us feeling vulnerable and unsafe.

2. It challenges our perception of reality – We might question our judgment, wondering how we missed the signs or misjudged the person.

3. It triggers deep emotions – Feelings of anger, sadness, humiliation, and even self-doubt arise because we invested emotionally in the relationship.

4. It disrupts our sense of control – Knowing we can rely on others gives us stability. Betrayal makes us feel powerless and uncertain about the future.

The intensity of betrayal depends on how much we trusted the person and what was at stake. The closer the relationship, the more painful the betrayal feels. Overcoming it usually requires time, self-reflection, and sometimes forgiveness—whether for the betrayer or ourselves.

Have you experienced betrayal before?

The route to recovery may not look the same for everyone, but these strategies can help you take the first steps.

1) Acknowledge instead of avoid

Healing often requires you to first come to terms with what happened.

You can’t erase it, so no matter how carefully you try to suppress what happened, you might catch yourself replaying those memories when you’re with friends, caring for your children, or driving to work.

Leaning into a trauma like infidelity might seem too painful even to consider. But acknowledging it allows you to begin exploring the reasons behind it, which can help kick off the healing process.

Instead of getting trapped in an unrelenting cycle of self-doubt and self-criticism, you can begin coming to terms with underlying relationship issues, such as lack of communication or intimacy, and explore ways to resolve them.

Note: This doesn’t mean the blame for the betrayal lies with you. Choosing to cheat is an unhealthy response to relationship problems.

2) Practice accepting difficult emotions

Unpleasant emotions can show up in the aftermath of betrayal. You may feel:

• humiliated

• ashamed

• furious or vengeful

• sick

• grieved

Naturally, you might try to avoid this distress by denying or trying to block what happened.

Although hiding from upsetting emotions might seem easy and safe, avoiding or masking them can make regulating them more difficult.

Putting a name to specific emotions — anger, regret, loss — can help you navigate them more effectively.

Recognizing your emotions can make sitting with them easier and less frightening. Greater emotional awareness, in turn, can help you identify strategies to cope with those feelingsmore productively.

3) Turn to others for support

Opening up about betrayal isn’t always easy. You may not want to talk about it. Plus, once someone has betrayed your trust, you might have difficulty confiding in others.

Yet people need emotional support, especially during stressful times. Your loved ones may not need to know exactly what happened, but they can still offer companionship when you don’t want to be alone and distraction when needed.

It’s perfectly OK to politely let your friends know when you’d like guidance and want to share feelings.

You may want to step carefully when discussing a partner’s cheating with mutual friends. Gossip can make a difficult situation even more painful, so you may want to save the in-depth details for your most trusted loved ones.

4) Focus on what you need

After a partner cheats, most people need some time to decide whether to end the relationship or try repairing the damage. This isn’t something you should feel pressured to decide right away. A relationship therapist can offer support and guidance as you consider whether you believe rebuilding trust is possible.

As you begin to recover from the initial shock of trauma, pay extra attention to your needs:

• Instead of lying awake, cycling through distressing thoughts, try aromatherapy, a warm bath, or soothing music to relax and improve your sleep.

• Instead of skipping meals when you feel nauseous or have no appetite, snack on energy-boosting foods and keep yourself hydrated.

• Favorite movies and TV shows can provide calm and comfort but try to mix in some other hobbies, too. Yoga, walking, reading, or gardening all offer mood-boosting benefits.

  
  

  
  

  5) How therapy can help

  Trauma can be hard to confront on your own. Professional support can make a big difference in the healing process. In therapy, you can begin to acknowledge and work through a betrayal before it causes lingering distress.

  Therapists trained to work with survivors of abuse and neglect can also help with unpacking long lasting effects of childhood trauma. If you have attachment issues, for example, a therapist might help you identify underlying causes of insecure attachment and explore strategies for building more secure relationships.

  
  

  Most mental health experts recommend some form of couples therapy when attempting to heal a relationship after infidelity.

  
  

  It’s also important, however, to work with a therapist on your own to:

  • examine any feelings of self-blame

  • work to rebuild self-esteem

  • learn healthy strategies for coping with difficult emotions

  
  

When someone you love and trust does something to shatter the foundations of your relationship, the resulting trauma can be severe.

You can heal, though, and you might even come back stronger as you rebuild your sense of self and gain tools for developing healthy relationships. Ready to take the first steps?